Never A Dull Night

Should have seen it coming.

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 17:08:33 GMT

There are so many things one person can do in a relationship. No one's perfect... If everyone were, this world would be a very boring place.

What's tough is when you completely reinvent yourself for the better for one person, and even after that you keep trying to change, you put yourself through Hell, knowing it can make you better for them, that things will be better if you can just get through that Hell.

What's tougher is when you realize you were alone while going through that Hell when you thought you had a strong partner to support you. You feel tricked, manipulated and worthless.

You feel like everything you've done, the hardest things you've ever had to do were in vain. You realize what you saw, what outcome you hoped for was not a possibility. That was just your hopes. Not the other persons.

What's the toughest, you ask? The lack of caring, the indifference. It's when you can blatantly see that while you suffer through out the end of things, the other person is just not that bothered by it. A simple "Ok" to the end of things can hurt more than any insult or hurtful comment. The indifference can crush a person, and cause blinding anger. The thought that you aren't worth fighting for, or that the love that you forcefully pushed out of your body so much that other people would think you're a fool for opening yourself up that much to ANYONE is just not returned.

A quiet sorry and a goodbye is more painful. I would rather have angry words and shouting. It's painful when a person doesn't even pretend, for your sake, that they are upset about what is happening. That the last 5 months meant nothing to them. They can quietly say that it did, but everything tells you that they didn't, and that this was the escape they were looking for. Just anything to see that the person is bothered, that this is not what they wanted. That they're not willing to let it go. But the sad truth is it is what they wanted, what they needed. They needed to be done. They needed to let go and move on.

As much as all of this hurts, I know I was right. I know I gave it my all, and that the person just didn't want what I had to give. Their indifference shattered the relationship I've worked so hard to preserve. How can I keep my anger when I know that this is not my doing? I can't. I would rather take an angry person over an indifferent person. The person knew the indifference would hurt, and that is what they did it. You let people under your skin, they take advantage of it. The person was more concerned about having some sort of romantic/drama filled break up, something she could look back at and smile about. She's happy now. I need to get on board with that way of thinking. Whenever one door closes, another opens.

The only good thing that has come out of all of this. I'll tell you. I am not shutting down again. I am not going to let this bother me. I'm getting right back on that horse. I'm going to find a woman who loves me even more than the previous. One who appreciates me for who I am, and who I will become. One who doesn't see me as anything else but me. One who will stand by me through thick and thin and let me know they have my back, because they love me unconditionally. I've learned a lot from this relationship. I've become a great person and not to brag, but a model boyfriend. Everyone sees and says it. Everyone except her. The next woman I find is going to be blown away and it will be an amazing and rare event that doesn't happen to many people. I thought it had it here, or the potential for it, but I was sadly mistaken.

So, my friends, the time has come where I need to not look back, but look forward. Forget about the past, and look to the future. I need to keep in mind that there ARE people out there who are good, caring, and loving. There are people out there who want exactly what I have to give. I'll find them. Not sure when, but I'll find them.

Last night was a horrible night, but I'll find true love this time around, and it will go both ways. I'm not saying this is going to be easy, but once you realize you don't have a choice but to try, it helps.

Wish me luck.

Update--- Wow. Read below. This is what I get for not listening to my gut instinct. I knew I'd be screwed when I needed her the most, and below is the proof.

Alright..

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 06:33:52 GMT

This live journal is a lost cause now adays.

I don't use it much. The friends I had on it for the most part turned out not to be worth my time. Yeah. I'm talkin' about you.

So, this should be my last entry. I'm glad it's here though, to look back on the past years. Some good memories, some bad.

I guess to end everything, I'm finally back into a relationship with a girl I'm in love with. I guess now aday's it's easy for me to say. I'll tell you all the truth though. As much as I like it, I'm still terrified of it. Every other day I have this strange feeling that it will all end very soon, and the only thing to come out of it is an even stronger disgust for relationships, and the joke that I had thought them to be. Something just doesn't seem right, yet I can't put my finger on it. She does everything right for the most part. I try my best to do the same..

Maybe it's that I don't feel the intimacy that I thought I would. Sometimes I feel like she's keeping me a distant second to something else I don't know about.

Maybe waiting so long made me hype a relationship up in my head. I just don't feel her opening up to me. I have this deep and subtle feeling that she's always questioning whether she's happy with me, or if she wishes she could just go back to having fun with me and others, and dating again.

Maybe my past and insecurites give me the illusion of her actually still dating, and omitting those facts. I trust her as much as I could trust anybody, but how much exactly is that.

Maybe it's the fact that she isn't a very open person, and my fears twist that into paranoia. Not the freakishly insane or scary kind, but the expect the worst kind, because in my case, the worst is what usually happens.

Just got off the phone with her... Damn, she's sweet.

Maybe she's the type of girl who sometimes loses her sense of confrontation, and lets things build up, until it's too late.

Maybe I'm afraid that it's so easy for people to just not tell somebody something, because they'll think it's not that important, or that it'll hurt the person too much, or that they just don't think it's possible to tell the person something wrong that they've done, because they think it'll ruin everything. Everywhere I turn I see people making the decision not to be honest because of reasons like that. I think that's what scares me the most... It's too damn easy to lie. To ommit.

I guess when it comes down to all of these maybes, maybe it means I just need to trust her, and get to know her better than I do.

Also, when it comes down to it, all of those maybes are worth how I feel about her.

All I want is honesty. Respect me enough to give me that, and I don't see myself leaving.

Well, that about wraps it up for this guy and this Live Journal.

Peace out people.

- Ian

:)

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 09:04:06 GMT

Been a while.

A lot has happened, but only one thing is worth mentioning.

So I guess I'm kinda in love... Actually not kinda. I am.

So glad I waited.

Couldn't ask for more.

That's all.

I wonder

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:20:23 GMT

I wonder if I'm making a mistake...

Been a while.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Forgot about this thing for a while.. :)

Recap-

Living in Ashland with 6 other buddies.

All done.

:)

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 20:55:29 GMT

So I'm back in the fram. Let's see how things go from here.

Moving :)

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:14:15 GMT

Movin' back up to Framingham. :) I'll be livin' up there on the 1st of Novemeber. The place is just so-so but it's only temporary until I find something better. Gonna be good to be up with old buddies of mine I haven't seen much over the years, and it should be fun to meet new people. :) Won't be far from Fitchburg either, so i might pop in every now and again just to remember how much I dislike all you people. ;)

:)

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 03:36:09 GMT

Got accepted to ITT Tech. The bastards won't know what hit 'em. ;)

Update

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 01:22:29 GMT

Alright, So now it's Ronny and I lookin' for a place in Natick. We've both already gone through the good stuff with ITT tech, and are just waiting to hear that we are accepted. Then after that it's a financial aid appointment or whatnot, THEN school starting in December.

Like I said, Ronny and I are lookin' for a place in Natick, or Framingham, or even Ashland. That surrounding area. We wanna move in by November at the latest. I know alot of you still live around the area, so if you see anything or hear of anything while we're looking, let us know. :)

Peace out people.

The next chapter.

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 17:51:23 GMT

The hunt begins. Wilson and I are lookin' for apartments in Natick. 2 Bedroom is ideal. We need to move in ASAP, so if anyone has any leads or info, please let us know.

If all this works out, it's gonna be a great new chapter of my life. :)

Peace out people.

Summer. :)

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 02:02:01 GMT

Hope everyone who came down through out the weekend had a good time. Always welcomed. :)

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 13:41:41 GMT

What else is new..

New beginnings.

Wed, 30 May 2007 01:09:01 GMT

Going up to Fitchburg tomorrow to spend my last night up there, then moving out Thursday.

Another chapter closed in my life. It's been fun everyone. See ya around.

Peace out people.

yeeeeeaaaah

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 02:37:26 GMT

im posting this on my ps3 :)

bitches

Yeeeup

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 19:36:59 GMT

Winter is over in my eyes now. Summer is that much closer.

Beach.

Coronas.

Girls.

Parties.

This summer is gonna be a good one.

Update.

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 02:21:34 GMT

I went to natick last night with Ronny to party with my old buddies from Framingham State. Man I miss that place... Which is why I mayyyy be moving there after the summer. Gonna give a different kinda school a shot I think. ITT tech. Won't hurt to try I guess. Turns out this might be my last month in the burg as well. Yeah yeah, i've said that before. But it might just come true this time. I guess I'll know in a couple of weeks.

Weird to think after 3-4 years, a couple of simple statements can open up old wounds.

Winter time

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 21:37:20 GMT

Alllriiighty, good news. Wilt and I beat our court case without having to get lawyers. So that means we can have more parties up here without worrying about getting arrested. :)My parents opened the new liquor store under their ownership today. Gonna check that out soon. Seems like a nice cash flow. :) Everything else has been pretty slow, new possibilities arose then disappeared. But what else is new, eh? I wouldn't be me if I had good luck. :) Used to rollin' with the punches. ;) That's good enough for now.

Peace out people.

Catchin' up.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 17:43:32 GMT

Just a quick catch up with what's been goin' on in my life.

At home right now helpin' my mom out. She just had surgery on her neck, and is recoverin'.

Goin' to court still for bullshit I again didn't do. That's always fun.

More's goin' on, but I'm slowly realizin' how hungover I am from last night, so I'm gonna stop here.

Peace out people.

Boooo

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 17:47:25 GMT

Who wants to be 22 years old? Haha, this sucks.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 05:21:02 GMT

Oh just shut the fuck up

(Haha, I forgot that I wrote this when I was drunk. Has absoloutley no meanin' towards anything.)

Moooovin' on ouuuut

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 02:41:10 GMT

Fitchburg startin tuesday for a few weeks to find someone to take over my room.

Post party

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 23:31:38 GMT

Glad everything worked out and hope the people who made it down had a good time. Maybe we can get another ripper goin' sometime soon.

Peace out people.

Cape party

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 22:47:32 GMT

Ross' 21st birthday party is goin' to be this saturday. Let's see if we can't get a good amount of people down here to party it up with the poor bastard. I'd appreciate it if everyone let me know if they are comin' down as soon as they can so I can figure out whether we need one keg or two, based on the amount of people. Gonna be gettin' some liquor from my liquor store as well, just to add a lil' spice to things. :)

Soooo if you are gonna show up, lemmie know, and give me some ideas on what kinda liquor you want to see at the party. :)

And if ya wanna hit up the beach if it's nice up, people are welcomed to come down friday night and have a lil' pregame shindig, and hit up the beach saturday mornin' and afternoon before everyone else gets here.

So, just let me know what the deal is, and I'll plan accordingly. And reguardless of what Ross wants at his party, we will not be roasting marshmellows.

Peace out people.

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 16:46:58 GMT

After some careful consideration, I think I am going to live down on the cape after all durin' the summer. Better money to be made, more hourse, and the beach all push me towards that decision. I finally got my car back on the road too, so I'll be up in the burg durin' some weekends when it's not nice enough to be out at the beach..

Also, people are welcomed to come down now for cape visits. The more the merrier. Just let me know if you wanna come down and we can plan somethin' out. That's about it folks.

Peace out people.

Car

Tue, 23 May 2006 18:17:46 GMT

Gettin' my car back on the road... :)

Yanno that's gonna turn into a shit show when it comes to roadtrips..

Especially the beach.